Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
