Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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