Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
