My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
