The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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