He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
