even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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