i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
