i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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