Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
