I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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