my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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