Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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