Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
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