my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My penis needs a shock collar
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
