Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
