Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
