I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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