idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
