cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
