I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize