A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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