I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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