Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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