My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
