stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
