i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
