I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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