the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
