Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Randomize
