Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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