so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
