your thong is hanging out like whoa
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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