After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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