so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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