Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I hate all girls vehemently.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize