Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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