I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
