It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize