Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
