She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
