I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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