good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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