I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
