It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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