I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
