I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
