Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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