DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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