... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
