i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
