hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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