I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
So squirting runs in the family.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
