is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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