You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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